I talk about Tigger oftentimes in my classes. Without a doubt, it’s one of my students’ favorite lectures. It’s always fun to see #tigger fill my Twitter stream as they face adversity. It reminds me that words can change everything and stories have a power greater than anything else in the universe.
But it’s important, I think, to also let my kids know that not every situation works out in your favor. Despite your best efforts, the world may conspire against you and very bad things may happen. A bright outlook does not lead to a bright outcome.
This particular point does not absolve you from the righteousness of the Tigger Talk; however, it does mean to fully prepare you, you must know the other side of Tigger: that sometimes very bad things will happen.
I bring this up because a student called me last night. This student is in a bad spot, and they were looking for something although I suspect they weren’t sure what.
I know that place, the emptiness that comes as you prepare to face consequences. It wasn’t so very long ago I stood in front of a judge and pled guilty to a D.U.I after spending a very long day in jail. I went before the judge without hiring a lawyer or contesting the facts. I had done the crime, I said, and I couldn’t very well be a teacher who demanded students be accountable for their actions if I wasn’t accountable for mine.
I was terrified as I stood there. (“I would very much like to not go to jail,” I said when the judge asked me if I had anything else to say before sentencing.) I know that dark place my student resided, and I knew there was nothing I could tell them to make it better.
Yesterday — as I am more often than I care to admit — I was a lone voice in a dark hole.
Just a few minutes ago, I sent this email to the student at the end of what was likely the worst day of their life. As I wrote it, I realized what I wanted to say to one, I wanted to say to all.
[Coincidentally, it's 1 year and a day from this Open Letter to My Students. There must be something about December 11.]
The Only Advice I Have That Really Matters
I’ve been thinking about you since our conversation. I came downstairs and told my fiance that I expected you were going to have one of the worst sleeps of your life. I do not wish that kind of night upon anyone, but as you are finding in life, these kinds of things happen upon us all.
In your case, it was self-inflicted, which in some sense makes it worse. You will re-live those moments repeatedly for the rest of your life. That’s the vicious part of memory: it’s capability to rewind and play in the quiet moments.
There is nothing you can do to erase it. I wish I could tell you there was. What I can tell you is this: regardless of what happened today, your future will be determined not by what’s on the memory tape, but by the actions you take in the coming days, weeks, and months. We are not defined by our mistakes, we are defined by how we deal with those mistakes. The measure of you as a man will be taken then.
And don’t be mistaken: you are not a child anymore. People will take notice of what you do going forward, and these things will follow you. They will become the yardstick by which you are measured.
That should give you some comfort because the one thing you control is your actions. You can determine how you grow from this, how you act from this, and the kind of man you become from this.
There is no way for anyone else to guide you on this path, but we can — and we will — offer you guidance.
Here is my best piece of advice: you will know you are doing the right things when you can lay your head on the pillow at night, and the committee inside your head is silent and your heart is light.
That’s the best lighthouse in the universe.
We all make mistakes, the question for you now is: what’s next?
