I was 28 when I graduated from Berkeley. 30 when I left Wired (and San Francisco).

I bring that up because 10 years later (or 8 years later if you’re doing the math), I don’t feel particularly smarter than I was back then. I do feel more well-rounded. Which I guess is a way of saying that I know more about what I know. I’ve been able to see around the knowledge I have, understand it for what it is, and see where it’s not quite right.

I get, today, that most of what I’ve learn in a book needs to be honed and shaped by the life, bits and pieces rubbed off and re-shaped in ways that only experience can tell you. I’m smarter today, I think, because I’ve gone through that chiseling process. I’ve been around the world, had the chance to play with the knowledge and craft it.

Which doesn’t mean I’ve turned off the knowledge spout. I still try to learn every day. But I spend more time on the things I am learning, trying to figure out what I know I’ll take the time to shape.

This flashed through my mind on Friday as I spoke with an executive from Sprint and another member of their communication team about promotion.

I’d just finished my talk on Read/Write Stories and Participatory Culture. We were discussing how this might play out in a corporate setting. I showed them some examples of what I meant. And laid out, briefly, how and why they might approach these ideas.

We have a meeting lined up in a few weeks to discuss this more.

***

This is not particularly unique, this situation I described. You reach a certain age and, in your field, people want to know what you think. This happens to my friends on a regular basis. Far more than it happens with me.

When I was younger, I ascribed the phenomenon that I observed to some “network” or “club” that everyone – but me – seemed to be in. I was an outsider, observing.

As I’ve gotten older, I realize it’s something else entirely.

I spend most of my day working with and around people who don’t understand what I do. (I recognize, of course, the same is likely true of them. I am not them, though, so I have to speak just of me.) I have been, for some time, an outlier in my field. Podcasts in 2000. Blog-like entries at Wired (short, notebook items). Pictures and images with stories. Shooting video.

These were things I tinkered with a decade ago. And my bosses at Wired News, some of them, were reticent to let me do such things.

The point is that I’m used to feeling on the outside. (And having people who don’t understand the skill behind the emerging technology try to explain to me how these things work.) So when I find someone who speaks the same language as me – generally someone who has that same outliers experience – I gravitate to them. Immediately.

From the outside, I imagine there are those who want to be in this club. Who stand around, like I did, I want to be on the inside. Because they think there is an inside.

And don’t yet realize the inside is made up of people who are simply on the outside the rest of their lives.

***

I tell my dad regularly: I have to watch what I say now because 10 years ago, people would argue back. Now, people nod and start doing. I don’t always appreciate the weight of that.

This isn’t, as I’ve suggested, a function of being smarter today than I was 10 years ago. It’s a function of honing and shaping. Because I’ve had the chance to fiddle with this knowledge for a decade, examining it from many angles. It’s not an idea now. It’s a part of my DNA.

I don’t speak, publicly, about the things I don’t know because I’ve been on the receiving end of that conversation too many times in my life.

So we’ll meet to discuss some the ideas I’ve discussed in my talk. We’ll kick ideas around about how Sprint might approach participatory culture. How they might seek to change their image (at least in the technology world), an image that took a hit a few years back.

We’ll talk because we’re outliers.

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m sipping cappuccino, sitting in my local Panera and trying to clear my head.

There is a calm-ness to this day that I recognize, even though my head is swirling with thoughts that turn my stomach. Mistakes and mis-steps I’ve made which, in the grand scheme of things, matter so very little I wonder why I care.

Of course, wondering about why I care doesn’t change the reality that I do.

The real source of angst, though, seems to be rooted in two very clear ideas: a proliferation of social software that has taken computing into a broader realm and my immersion in said technology development for the past two decades (12 as a professional).

It all feels very old to me now. I find myself arguing points with people who have just discovered these technologies – who are just interacting with these technologies – in the same way we argued these points more than a decade ago.

And I find no joy in the world of technology anymore. Not as I’ve known it.

I understand, for the first time, why people walk away from things.

***

In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell writes that it takes roughly 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert at something.

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The southern part of the River has changed course many times over an area some 300 kilometers wide.

The key to these changes is the River’s natural tendency to follow the "path of least resistance," which is almost always the shortest route to the sea.

The Mississippi follows a single channel until gradually its channel fills with sediment. At that point, the River easily overtops its banks during periods of high discharge. When that happens, it is free to find a more direct route to the Gulf, until of course, the lengthy cycle begins again.

This cyclical shifting of the Mississippi has resulted in an ongoing battle to control the forces of nature.

– U.S. Department of the Interior: U.S. Geological Survey, Running Water II: Landscape Evolution

***

There are very few moments in life that will shake your existence to the core. We mostly try to avoid them. Feverishly. Fevorishly.

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I’ve plotted out a 3-book arc for my life. Because that’s what writers do.

It’s actually a very good gauge for writing, a test that I use on my students to see which of them has the bug and which of them is simply — to paraphrase what my mentor Bill Drummond said the other day — passing time. We see our lives as one chapter after another in a finite story that will, most unexpectedly but also assuredly, end.

My books: Objects in Reality, Samurais in Austin and The Things I Left Behind.

I’m 50,000 words into the first book, although I haven’t written on it in two years. I’m staring at it right now as it sits, lonely, in a binder. Waiting to be moved. And loved again. Which it will be. Soon.

There’s no sense in hashing out the stories with you now. If you know me, you already know them. Unless, like me, there are some parts you’ve forgotten. Either way, the plots aren’t important. Not to this story.

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It’s 2:04 AM as I start typing this, which I’ll admit takes my penchant for literalness a bit far in terms of the specifics of time.

These things can’t be helped. I am wired in such ways. I am not at fault.

Californication, on mute, is playing in the background. Warren Zevon is singing to me. The air condition is humming with the soft, relenting whirl of inevitability. The heat will be pushed back.

Here, it is still.

I’d like to say that I’m doing something deep, befitting the stillness of the night. Something large. Epic. Writerly. And I could, easily, say such a thing. It would be a lie. And not a very good one either as there is no reason to tell it. Instead, I can say truthfully that I am simply sitting here, smoking a cigarette, drifting.

I used to write in the evenings. Long, Jameson-filled nights, fueled by anger and rage and adventure mixed with a variety of self-made and procured intoxicants meant to keep the coal fires within me going until there were no words left to write. Those were good days. Or nights. Many times both, strung together across long periods of uncountable time frames.

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fedora It’s been a long time coming but I finally hit Kohl’s and got myself a fedora. I am not sure if that is going to make me a better writer. Actually I know that it won’t. But I don’t care. I like hats. I like fedoras. And I think writers should wear them.

So I am.

A long time ago there was a girl.

And the future wasn’t something meant to be made. We were just waiting for the thing we could already see, arrive. We lived our lives together. That way. With few doubts. Directed.

It was the first time I’d ever experienced that inevitability with someone else. My parents would tell you, if you knew them, that I’ve rarely lacked for ideas. I am — and have always been — sure. (As my dad says: “Rarely right, never in doubt.”)

I don’t know any other way to live. Which isn’t to say that I haven’t changed over the years. My ambitions have shifted. My lifestyle has surely turned. My sense of knowledge and art and intelligence are radically different today than they were 19 years ago when I first met the girl.

And for a long time, the ending of that first inevitability — the crushing, mind-warping, heel-to-neck strangulation — haunted me. It stayed with me, fortified a sense within myself that the inevitable required a sense of loneliness. Solitude. Otherness.

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I’ve been hearing about this show for some time. Since I don’t have cable I missed out until it hits Netflix Instant Streaming. (Because I would never advocate going to Bit Torrent and downloading — illegally, I might add — material that should rightfully be controlled by companies, you know, just like the Founding Fathers believed. Happy Fourth.)

Now I’m 2 episodes in and fairly certain I’ll spend another night on the couch, watching the greatest show ever made. Wondering why I am not in L.A. writing for Showtime. Or in New York writing self-referential novels. Somewhere writing.

Either way it’s nice to be around people I know. People I like. People I get.

Thanks Californication. For reminding me about all the things I love about being a writer. All the things that I’ve forgotten in the last few years. The things I’m starting to remember.

(And mom, dad – DO. NOT. WATCH. THIS. SHOW.)

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